Thank you so much for the awesome response to my first pregnancy post! If you missed it, you can read it here.
After a year of trying with no signs of being pregnant, I grew weary of the whole ordeal. I was so sad all the time that it was affecting every aspect of my life. One morning, Chris and I were talking and I found out that a casual acquaintance of ours just announced another pregnancy on Facebook. That was the final straw for me. I snapped. I said some pretty nasty things out of anger and resentment and immediately started crying after. Chris just looked at me with….pity (I think?), I couldn’t really tell if he just felt sorry for me or if he was upset with the horrible thoughts I’d just voiced out loud.
After he left for work that day I spent my time filled with self pity and loathing. I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who I had become and I definitely hated how I was acting. I cried out to God a lot that day asking him to heal my heart and to help me to be more patient. I needed His love, guidance, and understanding if I was going to get through this and come out of it a better person.
The next few months were filled with growing experiences for me. While I was still said every month when that dreaded Aunt Flo came to visit, I decided not to let it consume me. And I didn’t. I began to go about my life and think of other things instead of being pregnant all the time. There were times I still cried to Chris and other times where I let myself wallow in self pity a bit, but those times became much fewer and farther in-between as time went on.
I knew that things were getting better for me when my older sister told me she was pregnant in November and I was nothing but happy for her. I danced around the house as we talked on the phone and I couldn’t wait to tell all my friends I was going to be an Aunt again. It was the first time in a really long time that I had felt genuinely happy for someone else’s good fortune, and that was a huge blessing for me.
In December Chris and I were traveling like crazy for the holidays and I, once again, put very little thought into being pregnant. When we were finally home right after Christmas I told Chris that I hadn’t been feeling great and that maybe I should take a pregnancy test. But, because I had cried wolf so many times that he requested I wait a few days and then take a test, which I did.
On January 2nd in a Target bathroom, those two little lines appeared on a test. I just couldn’t wait to know until I got home so taking it in the store was the next best option for me. Shaking, not quite believing what I was seeing I walked out to the car and called Chris to see if I could head over to his work to give him something. When I got there I pulled out the pregnancy test, shouted “SEE! I TOLD YOU!”, and laughed at the look of shock and disbelief on his face.
To be honest, I’m still having a really hard time believing that I’m pregnant. I think it must be because we have waited so long for this to happen that it’s almost surreal at this point. I am 17 weeks today and can’t believe I’m almost to the halfway point on this incredible journey. Maybe I’ll start feeling more like a mommy-to-be once I start to feel the baby kick (which should be soon!).
With all that though, I am still so thankful that God has entrusted Chris and I with one of His children. He truly picked me up, carried me, and gave me everything I needed during one of the most difficult times of my life. I have always had trouble trusting in His timing but I think that was the lesson I had to learn before having a baby. My timeline was not important. God would give us a baby when His time was right. I’m just so thankful that the time is right now.